The fall semester is coming to an end, and I have to say I'm disappointed. I've never had such an impossibly hard time with math, but this semester was an epic struggle that I fear I lost. We'll see how the math final fairs, however I doubt any grade I may receive will keep me from having to retake the class during another semester. Yes, I did THAT bad.
In a twist of irony, I've aced every other class with only a fraction of the effort described above. Psychology, philosophy, government and American literature, all A's. The juxtaposition is maddening.
I joined/reformed a band with a couple old friends last spring and are now in the process of recording our first self-released e.p. We call ourselves GRAVITON, and our sounds is somewhere between space rock, heavy rock, and post-punk. With my continued influence I hope to direct us in a more and more experimental direction, but for the time being I'm thoroughly enjoying the music we're currently making.
I'm statistically "underemployed". And that's about all that's going on with me at this juncture.
A tear is forging rivers
Down the canvas of her face
And sends primordeal shivers
Down the spine of our embrace
We keep it close and careless
A camping spirit lingers close
And the clouds familiar faces
Change shape as time flows
In keeping with the tradition I've cultivated in the world of LiveJournal, I will make a yearly post, today.
In the last few years, I've made considerable efforts to better the various conditions of my life. The biggest thing I've ever done in my life, and by far one of the most brilliant choices I've made, is getting married to my beautiful wife, Amy. Her diligence, strong moral compass, and unconditional love for me have all had unquantifiable impacts on my life. With her help I bid farewell to a cocaine habit with which I struggled greatly, quit smoking cigarettes (save for the occasional beer-n-smoke at a bar), endeavored again to take my dietary habits seriously, and decided to go back to school.
I finished one successful semester last spring and am starting my next semester this coming week. Though I feel a sense of accomplishment, I don't know how long it will take me to get through school, and I'm still not quite sure about my degree plan. Between this and the overwhelming financial strain I'm put under by tuition and books, I experience great bouts of discouragement. I can honestly say that without Amy's influence, I don't know if I would ever finish school. Having her - and the possibilities of the future we will have together - keeps my nose to the grinder. I'm trying to succeed for the sake of "us".
Most recently I joined a band, as their singer. A band started by my best man and life-long friend Spuds. The guys in the band were on outs with their singer at the time, and decided to "audition" me to take his place. I jammed with them a few times, reworked a couple songs to fit my style of singing, and the guys voted in my favor. We've decided on the band name "GRAVITON", appealing to all the science nerds in the rocker community. being able to successfully express myself in a musical fashion satisfies me in a way I can't quite describe. It's very real, very spiritual, and very cathartic. My singing is improving with each practice and I feel like I'm starting to discover a "voice" through which I can communicate lyrically.
Overall, my disposition these days is greatly improved. I feel stronger, more aware of my surroundings, and more contemplative on the future and where I want to be in it. Things are still very much transitory, and though I can feel very listless and spread thin, I try to keep my "compass pointed north"... something Amy's taken to saying a lot these days. Quaintly appropriate. ;)
So I'm enrolled back in school... this time I'm not fucking around. :S
My life is going to be hectic, because I'm doing the whole "working full time and going to school full time" routine. I'm anxious about this... obviously not in a good way. But I need this, and I need this to be a completed chapter in my life. For the next four years (or so), school will be my life, my primary expense, my best friend & my worst enemy... and it all starts on January 18th, so wish me luck.
I'm long overdue for an update. Sometimes I just completely forget about LiveJournal!
So, married life so far is incredible, yet yields little more than what Amy & I shared prior. A lot of my married friends ask me what's changed, so I can only speculate that getting married for them ushered some great changes into their lives. I can honestly say this hasn't been the case with us. If anything, it was a catalyst for future change in our lives. A starting ground to get the ball rolling for us. It was a firststep, so we did all we could to make that first step as meaningful and incredible as possible.
In late August, Amy & I moved from our place in Garland to a garage apartment on her parents ranch property in Royse City. In a lot of respects this was a downgrade... less space, MUCH further from the city (which could be a good thing, if I didn't work in the city and if there was really anything to do out here other than stay indoors), however it was a necessary move. The property itself is beautiful and spacious, with six peruvian paso horses wandering around in various fenced fields. Everyone who lives in this little neighborhood is an equestrian, or so it seems. Rent is cheap, which allows me to spend money on school (and yes, I'm finally going back!). My carbon footprint has grown exponentially, however, because of all the driving I have to do, which weighs heavily on my conscience. If the local economy is able to provide, I may be able to find good work close enough to where I live now, but my paycheck would more than likely take a cut. But if I'm not pissing all my extra money into my gas tank, maybe it would even out a bit. Something I still need to look into.
I was promoted to Lab Manager at my work, was given a decent pay increase, but I still hate my job. I've worked myself into the position of being dependent on my new wage, which I can hopefully break myself of soon, as I sincerely plan on cutting my career at Eyemasters short.
On September 13th, I married my lovely fiance and became half of "Aaron & Amy Henson"! Our wedding was a beautiful outdoor gathering at the Dallas Arboritum, looking out over White Rock Lake. Amy was a vision, I was a little awkward, and everyone had an incredible time. We gave praise to the four cardinal directions, performed a hand-fasting with a chord we made ourselves, and wrote tear-jerking vows to one another. Everyone knows I pride myself on making people cry. Our reception was held at the Filter Building on the other side of the lake, once again with a wonderful view. We had mostly greek food catered, some of the most incredible flower arrangements anyone could hope for, and a DJ who had all the old people in our families up dancing to everything from The Cure to Sleepytime Gorilla Museum, The Kinks, Corrosion of Conformity, Slipknot, Flogging Molly, The Magnetic Fields, and Tom Waits. We threw in some blues and classic dance pieces for posterity, but overall it was completely personalized.
Our honeymoon began the next day, with a 14 hour flight to Florence. We spent the next week exploring Tuscany, engrossing ourselves in the country, the food, the culture, the language, and of course the arts. We saw museo after museo, duomo after duomo... it was almost too much for my brain to handle all at once. Luckily, my wife is something of a medieval art & history expert (she graduated with a minor in medieval studies), so she was able to take us the the right places, and basically planned most the excursion herself.
All the classics Tuscany had to offer.... Michaelangelo's David, Botticelli's Birth of Venus and Primavera... Florence's Uffizi & Academia were brilliant. Pisa's Piazza Dei Miracoli was beautiful. Aside from the obvious attractions like the Leaning Tower, the Museo Del Operah De Duomo had a beautiful courtyard, fragranced with a plethora of herbs. Rosemary, Sage, Lime Trees... I could just go on and on. But nothing was as magical as Siena! The architecture was stunning, classical & captivating. Molta Bella. Our hotel sat atop a small hill in northernmost Siena, and overlooked the panorama of the city in such a way that cannot be described, only seen. The Campo was filled with people, restaurants, and provided us with much reflective comfort.
We ended our honeymoon on a bittersweet note in Rome. The city was dirty, filled with sleazy people who want to rip you off because you dare to want to experience culture. If you can sift through the crap, Ancient and Medieval Rome are of course, breathtaking. We began with a tour of the Roman Forum, an ancient field littered with white stones, pillars... The Arches of Titus, Constantine... The Temples of Demeter and Saturn... We followed that with the Colosseum, familiarizing ourselves with Emperor Vespasian Flavia, a benevolent ruler who sought to stabilize Rome's economy and restore it to glory by commissioning structural feats such as the Colosseum. Then we trekked onward through Palatine Hill, where the emperors and caesars lived in Ancient Rome... the very hill where supposedly the Wolf Bitch nursed Romulus and Remus in the infamous cave.
After Palatine Hill, we toured the Vatican Museum. Words can't really describe the awe we experienced while viewing the church's collection of historical art. Without a single doubt, we were able to tour the worlds largest single museum, and we spent as many hours as we could absorbing all we could. All the sculpture, paintings, and relics of Roman Christendom was completely outshined, however, by the finale of the museum, the Sistine Chapel. Spend all the time you want looking at it in books, it won't jade you one once if you're ever blessed enough to experience it in person. The magnitude of the chapel is overwhelming, and the beauty of the painted scenes is inexplicable. ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE.
Feeling absolutely drained by the Vatical Museum, we took one final detour before retiring to our hotel; St. Peter's Basilica. The one and only, central place of worship for the ENTIRE Roman Catholic Church, and it is every bit a credit to Roman Catholic artistry and architecture as one could possible hope it to be. The quintessential chapel (though it's technically NOT a chapel, it's a basilica), unnervingly grand in scope, gothic architecture with vaulted ceilings reaching 150 ft., and the central dome reaching almost 400 ft.! Every inch from floor to dome, scenes of marble saints and angels, sculptures as beautiful and delicate as what they say heaven must look like. I'm not Christian, however this place would instill a profound sense of religious & emotional awe in anyone. The power of the church, I believe, begins with the basilica. The aesthetics are, without a doubt, deific.
So there you go, an update. ENJOY!
So, here we are again friends. It's been so long since we've talked. So very, very long indeed.
I suppose there are many things about my life at this point I could divulge.
Dangerous dogma deemed a distraction. I WISH THE WORLD WOULD BURN.
I am getting married! To a beautiful angel, that promises to save me from my one other true love, self destruction. Truly a battle of wits!
I AM THE SAME as I ever was. A confused moppet, romanticizing about a world that doesn't exist, hoping magick will manifest itself in my mind, because it doesn't yet yield to my damaged brain.
At this moment I love every one of you, and to those I have wronged, neglected, abused, fucked off, laughed at, or invalidated, I say unto you... you give me my power. Take it from me, and own it. Stop being pathetic, and leave me in your wake. I am but a shadow of your past weaknesses. FORGET ME. And do not forgive me. I am our enemy.
Does this make any sense to anyone? I don't give a FUCK. Go back to your television and artificial distractions. Your processed, housed lives make me SICK, and I want NONE OF IT. Everything we love and hold dear is a BASTARDIZATION of what is real and true. Our luxuries are fattening diseases, our comforts nothing more than evidence of our own flaws. We all deserve to be pushed off a cliff.
No doubt I will alienate many people with this post, if anyone even has the investment in my thoughts to bother reading into this nonsense. Maybe I'll regret this blatant misanthropy later. If you think I'm talking about you, I probably am, because I single no one out. Myself included.
FUUUUCK all of us! BUH!
Join me in a brotherhood of nihilism. Hatred, we all know it and love it. Purpose is the only thing that validates out lives. In a world as empty as the one we perpetuate with our daily drivel, hatred is one of the few fires that can maintain itself. Long Live Hatred, and Long Live DEATH.
For some reason I've once again decided it would be a good idea to create a profile on MySpace. For communicative purposes, I think it's a good choice. I want to find some people. Come seek me out.
I've decided in the last month or so that I am going back to school.
One of my biggest reasons is actually a pretty vague notion in and of itself, and it's a fleeting notion at best if reviewed as a solitary statement, but... I might not ever again have the opportunities I have now to go back. On many practical and esoteric levels I understand the value of school... on many levels I've been jaded and imbittered by the whole establishment as well.... on many levels I'm been conditioned and programmed, by my own thinking and the influence of others, to preemtively judge said establishment from a safe yet stagnant distance.
Sure, fine... these are all genuine and ground-breaking revelations to have occur. But that still doesn't answer the hard question as to why I want to go back to school.
Okay, forget everything I said earlier. I have no idea why I want to go back. Sure I may never have another opportunity, but I may also never have the opportunity to do many things that don't really matter to me. Where is the value derived?
Many possibilities circle around my head....
I don't wish to resign myself to a lifetime of retail work... my pursuit as a tattoo artist was a miserable failure, and the pride I hold in myself as an artist was greatly shaken to the point where I haven't undertaken a serious creative endeavor in quite a few months, and I want to get that back... it gives me a reason to think about something in my life of more substance than paying the bills, cleaning the apartment, and making it to work on time... I am tired of constantly occupying my life with people who are unstimulationg because of their lack of desire to think, feel or create, and in turn I'm tired of being bitter towards people as a collective whole because of my precalculated disgust at everyone's idiocy... the various addicitions I'm fighting have taken a lot of my drive to be productive, and has quite literally left me in a pool of self-involved spite that I need to counteract by achieving something good and pure with lucrative prospects... I feel like a starved student who needs a teacher, but more than a teacher, a collective entity that is willing to plant something in me that will grow and help me realize that I'm not slowly becoming a more and more worthless and uninspired individual...
I have other reasons, but I'm tired of thinking about them. I'd rather think about what I would like to study once I get there... I'm thinking of course art, however philosophy and psychology are on the list of interest as well. Holistic Sciences? Maybe if I lived in California in the 60's. I don't know.... if that's an option and I'm unaware of it, please enlighten me!
Wine and coffee taste wonderful together. EDIT: (or not) I started a myspace again, because I have some people I want to find, and gauge them exhaustively based on predetermined criteria of purity. If you're on myspace, look me up. Aaron Henson.
...The state of being of any given constituents experienced in life which seems to be of little value. This is the basic definition of something that is inconsequential, a thing that has no applicable value to the scenario or life equation under current observation or under current practice. So what defines something as having no applicable value?
Consequence is something to be considered when weighing options to be acted upon in response to a desire, a desire to achieve a goal. The applicable value is derived from the overall effect the option that was acted upon has on the overall scenario, whether it be a desired goal or an overall sate of being. Therefor Consequence and inconcequence are subjective in nature, since perception of reality & the identification of values and goals is singular and isolated in respect to the character in question.
So what constituents of your life retain the essence of inconsequence? How do you identify them, and in what light are they given no applicable value? Discuss!
A common misunderstanding of Robert Anton Wilson.
RAW doesn't try to teach you what to think.
He even spends little time or effort trying to teach you how to think, although this is a more complete interpretation of his teachings.
RAW tries to teach you why you think.
Cheers to one of the last great teachers.
"<a href="http://www.discogs.com/release/628102" rel="nofollow">Inflammatorio" a limited edition video made by the volatile Crash Worship. No where can I find a copy of this, as no doubt it was produced on a limited basis by the band members themselves. If ANYONE has an idea or connection regarding this little piece of pure Heaven please let me know.
I'm seriously distugsted my this. Violently so.
Music meme: List 7 songs you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they're not any good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying now. Post these instructions in your LJ along with your 7 songs, then tag 7 (or whatever) other people to see what they're listening to in absolute random order.
1: Saul Williams - Coded Language
2: Ulver - It Is Not Sound
3: The Matches - The Barber's Unhappiness
4: Faun Fables - The Corwinth Brothers
5: Bobby Conn - (I'm Through With) My Ego
6: Dynamite Club - Frozen Penis
7: Down - Stone The Crow
I tag chaos_n_control, ladybug_of_doom, moogsploitation, vietnamwar</div>
Allllrighty... so those of you who keep track, or whatever, I will be out of town for approximately a week and a half, visiting relatives in Virginia. I'm looking forward to seeing my last grandparent again after so long, Grandma Gloria. She's as divine a woman as her name suggests.
She had no idea who I was last time I saw her, but it's okay. She's as blind as she can be while still maintaining the ability to see color. She just saw this tall guy with a pink mohawk and tattoos start talking to her, and OH you should have seen her expression; priceless... then she realized it was me and died laughing. "What on EARTH have you done to yourself, baby boy?!"
I love my grandmother.
My phone is on the fritz again, so if anyone tries to contact me and is met with failure, please understand. If/when i get a message, I'll find a means to contact you back.
Love to everyone.
Is there a connection between extra-terrestrial activity and the iconographic phenomena of the mullet? Are the proverbial shears of trailer-park drudgery held fast within the clutches of little green men? How is it fucking plausible that these so-called "sighting experts" are such un-credible people within the infrastructure of society? In humble repose, I present this inquiry!! Are we city dwellers really so detached from the activity of the cosmos, that galactic truths are only revealed to the inbred underbelly of our rural brethren? Is anything truly possible?!?!
Cast your vote!
Randy "Macho Man" Savage released a hip-hop album.
I want to create my own scented lotion. Can anyone recommend a good unscented lotion or even a base substance I could use? The more organic or natural the better.
For the flavor, I'm thinking either an amber-sage combination, or an amber-patchouli-orange combination. The first is very clean smelling and sage is a natural deoderant, but the latter smells real musky and raw. I like them both.
I've also been thinking about how to make an exfoliating body scrub with the same flavor. Sea Salt and Olive Oil as a base has been recommended a few times to me.
For the past couple weeks I've been using grapefruit peel as a facial toner in the mornings, and I have to say my skin feels great. I think the citric acid is a natural exfoliant and skin tightener. It also cuts oil incredibly well.
... and these three are no exception. But I love them all regardless of their collective astrological handicaps. errattum, poisonkitty, and ladybug_of_doom; Happy Birthdays! May your nit-picky, anal-rententive inclinations and your underlying anxiety over detail forge your paths towards bettering the world for all us Pisces, who spend too much time letting other people take care of things. ;)
I'm in the process of turning my huge walk-in closet into a sleep chamber/zen nook.
For practical reasons, I don't own enough clothing to justify a closet that needs to be entered and sifted through to find what I want to wear.
Also, I could use a room that is completely dedicated to my recreation, without a big lumbering bed right in the middle.
For other reasons, I originally picked the room with a walk-in closet so I could have a safety area for meditation, experimentation, and just casual reflection. I'm excited about this. I'm thinking of all things I would need to create the perfect welcoming "shrine", or "alter room".
I'm also excited about relocating my work station from the living room to the ex-bedroom.
Now that I'm single, this kind of shit is the most exciting thing going on in my life. I couldn't be happier.
I quit smoking today, by the way.
Aaron Murray Henson.
Aeron M. Henson.
A. Wren Murray.
Anhkenaten Wren Muhrai-Henson; A. Wren M. Henson.
A. Wren Muhrai.
Anhk N. Aten Wren-Muhrai.
I have a friend that calls me Yarn.
Folks at work just call me Murray.
Aaron Murray Henson.
Suverrah, allow me the focus of discipline.
Tamill, the gullet that consumes the illusion.
May my hands dance alone, to form faces that guide;
May my words play algebraic romance in the hearts of my friends.
This bone cage is fleeting.
And I am happy.
My old friend Angelica turned a solid 26 last weekend. Her discounted drinks and a medium dose of MDMA kept me good company that evening.
Angeilca and me.
Some dude, who I ended up dancing with all night. What a fucking pair we must've been. This guy was pretty hardcore for a sweaty middle-aged banker type. He was dancing all fucking night. Together we owned the dance floor.
Is anyone here on Facebook? Because I am now. I don't know why, but I am.
"…malediction and burn, I meet the gaze of blue stones. Would there be but a reaped sojourn to lay my body down; amongst the rocks, jutting from the earth. Gaping slashes mote, rows of ivory; liquid pours from the mouth to form faces in the sand, begging our audience.
She births, “Bare the torch of Valhallah, a fuse that dictates the length of our divinity!”
I am locked in solid, frozen acts of prayer. There lays at the rite of spring a virginal fire, I would burn forever between your legs… just to bear the crown of the Unspeaking King, commit to lose my tongue in your flesh; dare I surrender my trust to the phantasm of a thief’s design?
I speak without language. A mute without a muse; Malediction…"
This is punk-fuckin-rock.
"I don't mind being tired, until I have to do stuff.
I don't mind being broke, until I have to pay for stuff.
I don't mind bleeding, until my body runs out.
You can sell blood for money to pay for stuff, but then you're tired and don't want to do it.
So you spend your money on coffee and crackers.
Y'know... for energy.
Then you have energy, and you are anxious about the bills you can't pay.
Last night at the bar, I saw lots graffiti of discussing Ayn Rand's reproductive organs.
That was novel."
Ffffuuuccckkk..... these evening shifts working 'til midnight will be the death of me.
No matter how clean my apartment is, I have bugs. Maybe they're really angels watching over me. I should feel bad for killing them all the time. They;re just trying to get their own little slice of the pie.
In my god damned trash, no less.
"Oh loathsome crawling thing, be done with your minuscule affairs.
Oh hungry creeping speck, I release you from your cares.
Be gone.... Roach!
You live on carrion, that's outrageous.
You're probably contagious.
Blind, crippled and half-squashed,
And yet, you carry on.
Your persistence is disgusting!
I could never find myself trusting
A creature that would rather live
In the trash than in the lawn.
Cockroach, your problems are not mine.
I love life, but with you I draw the line.
Not to flaunt my superior design,
But next to you I'm practically divine.
You're problems are not mine.....
You're problems are not mine."
This has to be one of my next little gifts to myself. "Oakland Underground", a mockumentary about the dark metaphysical underbelly of Oakland, CA.'s youth culture. It was made almost 10 years ago now, and it even has footage of IDIOT FLESH! I wonder if it has any Crash Worship footage as well? Hrrrmmmmm... that would be wonderful.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=Gvk26_sGmao (this clip has music via Idiot Flesh and there marching fire dancers)
I want to change my name to Gideon Rex Muldoon.
Or Matthias Fjorn-Montgomery.
I also wish I was fluent in Hindustani dialects. For no particular reason other than to impress drunk people.
I have no shame. *pours another glass of wine*
The tear-conjuring smoke & dense orchestration of emotional chaos is subsiding, and I'm feeling good. I think I have finally made one of the first "right decisions" I've made in quite some time.
I have a fever, and I can't pinpoint the source. My energy is fine, appetite, fine. Good humour, questionable.
I went to Half Price Books today and sold some media odds-n-ends that I was getting little use out of, stopped and had coffee with old co-workers/conspirators, flirted with a group of new pretty employees, and purchased another Terence McKenna book, "The Archaic Revival". I almost pilfered a $50 hand-made booklet on interpreting astrological aspects that dates about 40-50 years old, but then decided to keep my karma spot-free for a little while longer... a little while...
I've finished a new piece of art, I've started writing music again. I've dropped 10 lbs., but not from eating badly.
Other things have happened very recently, that I won't divulge, but have definitely contributed to my sudden Zen.
Yeah, I feel pretty good sometimes.
My car was towed. From my own damned apartment complex. All this time, I never knew we had reserved parking. Mother. Fuckers.
Ohh, this is getting sooo bad.
Over the last couple years I've developed a sort of anxiety-induced sleeping problem. It affects me on a physical and mental level. I'm constantly restless and cannot gain control over my nervousness, and my sleep has seriously suffered from it. Going on three years now of having this problem, I'm noticing some direct effects of my problem.
What makes it worse is it seems the ONLY time I can get good rest is when I drink myself asleep. One of the many reasons why I drink so much these days. I have a paranoid fear of sleeping pills, but at this point I'm becoming pretty desperate. I can't afford insurance to pay for any serious treatment or prescription.
I just want to fucking SLEEP. One full night, without waking up for hours in between random naps filled with tossing and turning.
Now I have to head to work and stay until midnight. Another reason I'm sure my sleep is so fucked. My work schedule is brutally chaotic.
I think this is the sexiest video I've seen in a long time. Musical tastes aside (I love this band), these two are beautiful.
Tue. 9/18 - Dallas, TX - Lakewood Theatre
Don't touch my stuff!
Yeah, I'm gonna be there. OH yeah.
Ooooh, reeling from the early weekend festivities still. Tired as hell and watching Waylon and Willie on KERA. Could life be better right now?
"Whiskey River take my mind, don't let her mem'ry torture me..."
I ran into this guy at work, and talked to him briefly about custom drum making. I think I'm gonna save up and commission him to custom craft me some drums . I'd also really like to attend one of his work shops at The Black Land Ranch.
I feel much better since my last little "rant". Coming to grips with one's "self" can be an ugly beast to behold at times.
I've found I'm possibly at my best when I venture into the world an Unknown, with no ties to roaming bodies or sentient conciousness that lingers about. I can assume the role of a Spectator, and mostly avoid immediate contact. When contact is made however, it's usually breathtakingly sincere and very welcome.
Strengthing one's will and sense of detachment is a very grueling trial, but it's a position I have assumed for myself and and staring point blank in the jaw, right now. Tonight was very wholesome, and I intend to have the same experience tomorrow night among the same environments.
It seems so clear what must be avoided, and what must be embelished. Pieces fall into place, I have no control over them most of the time. Maybe if I bide my time a little longer things will pan out without excessive discouragement.
My senses are failing me I think. Or rather, the sputtering torrent of neurological information I always assumed was my sensory networks doing what they do, is scattered and inconsistent in it's input/output. The result is a clumsy dance, an emotional one. I very near came to God himself last night, in the eyes of my father, as I vomited out my worst fears about my becoming. I so desperately need this terrible poison, this chosen cancer on the lung of my character. Like the orgasm of cutting your own face. My countanence promises substance that I know longer feel I can provide. Ladies and gentlemen, I feel my energy waning. I'm getting old inside. And I still drink too fucking much.
I don't honestly know if I miss Nanette, and if I do, I fear they are for less than chivalrous reasons. What purpose do my endeavors serve? What do I fucking WANT out of my life? I'm so tired of not knowing, and not doing, and missing out on BEING because I still don't know who the fuck I am! The tremors of my capricious tendancies send me into spasms. I fucking HATE not having direction! And what is this FEAR I have of being alone? Must I always feed from the shadows of an unsatisfactory partnership? Am I truly so addicted to frustration and discouragement? WHAT THE FUCK, I ASK YOU!!!
Poetic fucking NONSENSE. I'm so SICK of my mind! I need help.
I broke up with Nanette a couple nights ago. Anyone who knows us knows this is probably the third time we've separated. This time was the contract breaker, folks. And I couldn't have done it more tactlessly. Last night she came to drop my things off and to pick up hers, and told me among other things, I was the worst relationship she had ever been in, I'm an immature coward, she wishes she had never met me, and that she swears she will have nothing to do with me ever again.
All cliche, yes, but very devastating when someone you love actually says them to you. And then to know they mean every fucking word.
I don't really have the emotional fortitude to go into the details of the event itself, but it wasn't pretty. I feel like a wretch. I'm going to my desk to drink the rest of my wine.
Nothing hurts more than having your heartfelt gifts given back to you, and then to try to figure out what to do with them is even more gut-wrenching.
I just fuck things up, guys.
1. By my works unfold and unfurled in times’ infinite plotting, and alas my will to bleed, I have commit atrocities numerous. Innumerable and expansive, though inspiring rout in mine eyes to further practice, I absolve my will and character in light of the Light that guideth me.
Mold in flame beheld, withering eyes with, breadth felt expansive as that of a trumpet’s haunting wail into the unnamable Nightsong. With this as divine calling I lurch and crawl, beneath the view of all, and lunge to new traveler’s heights and with strength of Blood Bequeath by the Pantheon, on high nigh sleep with the Ancestors’ Tombs. Foretold in Languageless prophecy have I considered, for my hands do not guide. I believed once, I will fortify body and mind in the flooding tears of generations succumbed to the Divine Holocaust of a thief’s design. With this I am DAMNED.
2. Would that I sleep, Eternalist; Of finding philosophy exalt but exhausted, in Soma dreaming of Flora or Fauna, beaming with swords to shuck my waking eyes. Shimmer in that all is viewed in snowdrifting waves, Sinking of ships harvesting. Spoken of only in dreams and lived in Crypts. The Murderer That Would Bear No Marks. Such would be my wish.
3. “Suverrah, TEMPT me to the depth of my sounds complacence. Conjure song from heartened loss, and of my Suffering make muse, retreat to discover uncharted Earth by miles. Stay the discourse expanded by illusionary faces. Say and Sleep. SAY! I must with gaping mouth screaming curses to Heavens high, accentuate my fervor, and submit my very soul to the Fires of Hell!”
4. Endless nights filled with prayer, indeed my chapter is long. Would that I, but not an angel in humble piety. My pray is not. Subjects lay piled in splendid repose, ORGASM. I smile yellow fever and drip with repugnance, I wilt the day and skin curdles like spoiled milk. Inspiration I find in this. Oh! To make the word flesh, to render the flesh with word! Locked in ecstatic knots my muscles shake! Now I will tell what so many wish I would not! Clear the horizons, gentlemen! My bricks lay thick over the graves of the unjustified.
5. The post of beginnings, penetrating thick the core. We start with a Name, though sifts like sand disguise the meaning, though on we sift; though eternally our eyes attempt to peer, only to wither and dry with the blinding DARKNESS. NERRIL. Wretched symbol! Distract the victims with idiocy!! A ghost of old resurrected under the flickering haunt of a dying House, where I was ushered into this wonderful World. NERRIL.
I remember the thoughts; A Devil Emerges, the palling sentiment as I exude my first mound of refuse, black as pitch. The white coat seemed daunted, how I remember the scene so vividly! My shrieks surely reached the wanton ears of God Himself! I beam eternal, this devil in sheep skin, a fiend surely dances with my Heart. My presence, a rising din of tumultuous symphony. And that I could recall! And that I could affect!! May surely my make be surrounded by the ethereal; these were my musings on that day. Placenta clothing me, I drank the blood of my first victim, Mother Dear lost in my headlights. As I gulp, her lips stretch over teeth in silence. I laugh my first laugh, expanded.
6. Surrendered in early life I to the suspect criminal of torture. Succulent fruit hanging from giving vines, the Hands of the Aten, smiling countenances constitute my combrah! I fall in love every time I reap this garden. Earliest of molds unhampered, I sloth about like a shaking leaf, muscles plagued with atrophy, the legs of stickmen piercing a contort. To this I attribute much. And to this…
7. Too much the sun burns our refraining words as off’ring to a wakening eye. So in such, silence! Anathema to mine ears! And as much the sun, ‘til it appeases night, I swore I shall curse. And thusly my legacy evolves. I lament still, as truly as my cavernous heart beats a lame dancer’s rhythm, the days do embrace one another to form and rape that very heart.
8. Seems tremble awkward, through silhouette casting puppetry my faces emerge upon my skull. Would I laugh, the Devil incarnate makes love to me. My child, my love bore emotion between my gnashing teeth. I lost mine eyes to the surrender of unGodly subjectivity.
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